costume designer found! still looking for a graphic designer for some posters and website graphics. rate negotiable but looking for someone able to do it ideally for $2000 for the whole job.
I didn’t go. It took a long time to find the confidence to decide to go, and the thing about deciding is that it doesn’t actually mean doing. I guess I still don’t handle people very well. When they say things about me, it’s hard not to believe them, especially if it’s bad. I don’t have a sense of identity yet, but I’m trying. It would have been nice to see this little play. It would have been nice to support the actors and show my gratitude to the company.
I had the strangest sensation for a while that everything I had done had never actually happened and that nothing was real. I’ve never had issues with depersonalization before. It was nicer than a panic attack, if not quite as productive. I didn’t really know what to do. The same tricks don’t work.
But if I try to believe the good things people say about me, or imply about me, like when they choose to present something I wrote, I have to believe the bad too, don’t I?
Oh well. Whiskey. Xanax. Get through the night.